Whats Love Got To Do With It? EVERYTHING!!

My first post..Hmmmmmm...thought long and hard about what to write. Heck it's taken me a month just trying to figure out how to get this far on my blog. So Yeah! Really!, I've had awhile to think about it. Wanted to be pithy, intelligent, political, witty and all of those other things that I read so often in others blogs. But alas, I'm just a little, squeaky, micro-blog so I guess I'll just post something thats been on my mind for awhile. Something really of no interest or importance to anyone. I mean come on, what are the odds of anyone actually reading this anyways? So here goes..
A letter to my son,
Each day that passes, bringing the holiday closer, a fresh pain stabs my heart that has yet to mend. As I fall asleep each night and awaken each morning, I wonder when the tears will stop flowing. Why do I continue to relive in my heart, my mind and my soul, the sheer agony(Yes, sheer agony actually exists) I felt on September 27,2005. The day I got a distressful phone call at work. A phone call that thrust my heart into my throat and filled me with confused panic. A phone call that had me rushing to get home, racing up the road, only to see a driveway void of that which I longed to see most. That which I love more than life itself. In that one moment my world fell apart. I realized that my good-byes were to fall upon deaf ears. That kisses and hugs were not to be given or received. No parting gifts. Just an empty despair that brought me to my knees and the question that continues to haunt me, "What did I do so wrong, to be so wronged"? When will that silent scream that filled my entire being that day, subside to a whispher? When will the part of me that died that day, be given new life? And when will the joy I once felt, the hope I once knew, ever return to fill up this hollow shell of this person that once was?
I thought for a little while that healing had begun. That hope would return. That joy was back in my life. I was actually beginning to believe that maybe I was loved. Maybe I was appreciated. Maybe I was a human being in the eyes of my son. But now I realize that maybe I was wrong. So shame on me! I've allowed my love for others to hurt me again. Yeah, and maybe the first cut is the deepest, but the second one doesn't feel to good either!! Am I so desperate to want my son's love that I will continue to be hurt and used over and over again? I guess I deserve what I've allowed. What a pitiful, sad and lonely person it is, who does not feel loved by those whom they love the most And it most surely is in the most pitiful, sad and lonely state that one does exsist. And it most surely SUCKS!!
You said I could talk to the kids whenever I wanted to. You encouraged me to call and talk to Michelle when ever I wanted to. You said you would call me at least once a week. You said alot of things! How can I talk to my grandchildren when you don't call me(collect as I have offered to you many times)? How can I talk to my grandchildren when you won't answer the phone. How can I talk to anyone when your in the process of avoiding me?
At what cost is your selfishness to continue? To the expense of anothers feelings? So it would seem. Your inability to care for others more than yourself leaves me cold. It is a quality you have failed to obtain and I pray someday you will. It is this unconditional love which has brought me so much pain. A pain I hope you will never have to experience from your own children. But yet through this all it brings a deeper understanding of the Love God has for me. The pain I must give to Him daily. Yet He continues to Love me. And this Love brought Jesus to the Cross. I also pray that one day you will crawl out of yourself and your guilt, long enough to realize that it's not what you can get out of life that counts, but more, what you put into life that really matters. Because at the end of the day it will be what you have put into your life that will determine what you receive at the end of your life. To be more precise... you reap what you sow. Remember that as you break that mold that I tried to set for you. Say what you will, but even thru mistakes I've made, I was a good mother and still am a good mother to you and your brother. It is you who has chosen the path you are on. Who is the potter of this new mold you are making?
As I end this letter to you I already feel lighter than when it began. My therapy is my words that have been bottled up. The words that if spoken are met with scorn and accusations. My keyboard judgeth not and for that I am grateful.
I love you and your brother so much! If possible, too much! So unless I walk away from the hurt and the bullshit you both continue to feed me, I will never be whole again. I will be of no use to anyone. Especially my God, my Lord and Savior. And that would be of no use to me, now would it?

I will love you always,
Mom